A new journey begins

I’m really tired. I’m tired of the repetitive work that I get to do. I’m tired of waiting for the admission results from all the universities I’ve applied for here in California. I’m tired of fixing somebody else’s boo boo. I’m tired of playing catch up with my school work and my work. I’m tired of the people here at work, this is what it feels like to be in high school. I’m tired of being tired!

High school is tough, especially for us girls. Even if we try not to conform, in some way or another we still do.  Our parents doesn’t help at all. They want to, most of the time, but when they do they ended up not understanding anyways, it’s like as if they never passed by this stage.  Anyways, high school girls can be mean and catty. Talk about stabbing each other in the back to make sure  one still has a high position in the social totem pole. This is like the politics at my work. People have to be careful around each other. It’s so pathetic sometimes. Grow up! That’s what i want to scream at them most of the time. Although when I speak to them, they sound more mature, maybe because its those big words they try to use, masking the immaturity of their actions. Sometimes I find it funny, but mostly irritating. I work in a service industry, an outpatient clinic for people with eye problems in one of the most famous eye institutes in the nation (we deal with retina mostly). But for a work that has a lot of responsibility, you’d think you’ll find capable and smart people, but you’re wrong. I’m wrong. I really want to get out of this place. Get that degree and move up a little higher in the working world so I don’t get affected of this stupid things as much. I could be wrong but at least I won’t be stuck here. Some people here have been here for more than 15 yrs, the same job, same work for all those years. I can’t. I need change. I need to be able to make change. I have so much ideas that its so frustrating sharing it with stupid people. It’s useless here in this level. Hopefully, I can change my path sooner than I expected. there are still good people here as well. Like my boss, the doctor, she gives me independence and trust. She’s open to my ideas when most people are not. I hope there’s more people like her in this world.

Falling in-love just happens. What happens next is up to you. It could last you a minute, a night, a month, a lifetime. Your choice.

Strange that I expected to feel something different after the wedding. It was merely a ceremony afterall. If I hadn’t known what kind of person my husband was, I surely would have been in for a huge surprise. To be honest I secretly hoped our relationship would improve soon after since the ceremony was very important to him. But it did not. The ceremony merely seemed to seal my fate, seeing as we don’t have divorce in this country. But I have no regrets. (just yet..)

There is a certain degree of co-dependence between couples who live together. (married or not) For me the strangest would be the need to sleep next to him. There is just something very comforting about sleeping next to your partner.  I don’t know what it is really. Could be the pheromones, perhaps the shared warmth..but it most probably would be because of the back-scratching I get from him. Most couples eventually develop a sleeping habit together. One of my married friends told me that they have to have their legs touching side by side in order for both of them to fall asleep. (now isn’t that nice?)

Most of the time I feel that things weren’t real until I shared them with my husband. For some reason, telling him what happened validates the event.  But it doesn’t really. That’s just the way I see things. I think a lot of women feel this way too. But I am not too sure. I could be among the weird ones..

I wish I could be as optimistic as bylariza when it comes to being in-love. But I am convinced that I won’t always be in-love with my husband. I could attempt to stay in-love, but I could only do so much. I am a firm believer though that marriages or any partnership for that matter work for a really really long time by making good choices. It is not enough that I am in-love with him. I must make a conscious choice to love him inspite of all the wrong he has done me, and all the difficult things he will put me through. I could stay positive, and see the good in him. Hopefully that will help me stay in-love with him for a long long time. (i’m hoping for ten years at least..) And if one morning I wake up and see that the face I used to like so much cannot make me smile, I hope I could let it slide and try my best to love the man I used to be so in-love with.

It is a given. Life is not easy. But we could always complain. That’s what friends are there for right?

While it is true that nothing is ever certain, (which makes life so difficult, really) we can always strive to work hard for our goals. We always have the option of giving our best in everything we do. After that we can only hope that things would fall into place.  But we really must remember to do our best first. That way when we look back, we won’t have any regrets.

There is so much that anyone can do with his life. But to be everywhere is to be nowhere. It is important to make a choice and commit to it wholeheartedly. There is no other way to achieve wholeness. The question would then be, how do we make that choice?

First, it must be done with complete honesty. It is impossible for a heart to not know what it wants. What troubles the heart are things that concern the mind. Finances, other possibilities and fear. Second important thing is clarity.  When we accept the truest desires of our heart, the mind becomes clear. The first step can be taken then.

It sounds awfully easy. Why then is my life miserable right now? I have made a choice and have worked hard for it and yet I have not achieved all that I would have liked to.

I am caught between the fates. There are things that we will not be able to control. This is where faith comes in. A blind belief that the chance was not taken away from you permanently. A blind belief that another moment will give you the opportunity to grab that which you want the most. Nothing to do but wait.

When life tosses you around and you find it hard to stay afloat, friends should be handy. A phone call, an email..complaints all around. Complaining about a problem to a friend doesn’t fix the problem. But it makes you feel less lonely. Really. It helps to know that someone knows about your plight. (be it big or small..)

How do you know that the person you’re with is “The One”? I think this is a timeless question that has been asked too many times. I’ve seen and met people who completely adore each other yet when they get separated, its almost like the bond was cut. I’m inlove with my husband. The question is, for how long? Do people get tired of their husband/wife after sometime. As you may have guessed, I’m newly married. Recently, a lot of people kept asking me how does it feel like to be married. Honestly, I don’t know what to respond to their inquiries. What do you really say when asked with that question? I feel like I won’t survive without him. Is it because I got used to him being around? I don’t think so. I know I can survive without him, but I chose not to. I realized how much I love him when he had an accident in the swimming pool, bumping his head to the edge that started him bleeding. I was really worried!!! I didn’t know what to do, I just wanted the bleeding to stop. For a moment there, all I thought was I love him too much to have anything happened to him. Do I have to tell people that? Every morning I wake up, I feel really blessed seeing him in bed with me. He lights me up. He makes me smile in the morning, as if I wanted to freeze time and just have that moment linger just a tad bit more. I want to experience everything with him. I want him to be part of all the stories in my life. This is more than just being married. More than being inlove. This is me finding my life, finding the reason to live and go on, knowing that no matter how hard life is, its always better with him around. That I know the reason why he’s “The One” for me. The answer to all the questions of how do I feel being married to him. The same reason as to why I will love him forever.

I’ve read somewhere that nobody is great without work. It’s nice to believe that if you find the field where you’re naturally gifted, you’ll be great from day one, but it doesn’t happen. There’s no evidence of high-level performance without experience or practice.   I’m thinking of going to Medical School. This is no easy decision for me. My life will be revolving around this. I want to ask myself over and over again if this what I really want. I wanted to be reassured that I will be okay. But truth be told, there is no such thing as assurance in life. We just all go forward and hope for the best. I would like to think that if I exert effort in this, I might just be able to succeed.

Then, here’s my other issue. I’m a woman. I just got married. The inevitable will happen..my inclination to have a family. When is the right time to start having kids? Before med school? after med school but before residency? I just spoke to a friend and she advised me to have the baby now. She actually made a good point. She told me that if I have the baby now, it’ll be better because by the time I’m in med school, my baby is old enough for daycare. 

Then, there’s the issue of funds.  Med school is very expensive. I’ll probably be in debt for hundred of thousands of dollars. Then having a baby will add up to that cost. I know my husband will likely have  godd stable job by the time I’m halfway done in med school. What’s nice is i have a husband who will support me. But here’s the downside, he didn’t want to talk to me abou all this. He talks to me about school and our plans. But I feel and I know that he’s avoiding the conversation about having a baby. I’m sure he’s scared. Me too. But I need him now more than ever to talk to me..to open up to me.  To move ahead with plans.  This is going to be some tough path…hopefully, I get out in the end happy.