Blue Heart

Wow…how time has passed and things have changed.  This would seem a totally different perspective in comparison to when I started writing here…so, here it goes:

“We are most productive together but are we romantic?”

I think that sums it all.  We have been talking for a while now. Months…maybe a year.  He’s worried about me.  I’m worried about us.  He’s not worried that I might fall for somebody else, he’s worried that I’m unhappy.  We don’t fight.  At all.  Never.  We talk it out.  We don’t really feel.  We analyze our emotions.  Maybe that’s why we never fought. We understand each other like nobody’s business but it’s not enough.  We’re best of friends.  We both knew about this.  It wasn’t a surprise when this conversation came about.  I love him.  He loves me.  But are we in love? You see there’s a difference. I don’t know where we’re heading and it sucks.  I don’t like risk and not being able to foretell the future. I’m so risk averse.  That is my weakness.

Ironically, my emotions are mostly seen in my writing.  Too bad I don’t write enough nor my written words become spoken ones.  Don’t think that I didn’t try.  I did.  I still have this little notebook filled with little notes to him. Everyday I wrote him sweet nothings.  Until one day I stopped.  I can’t remember why.  I think I just got tired of it.  I remember painting something for him and had written the reasons why I love him.  And all I remember was he was happy to receive them. But his happiness lacked some type of emotion.  I brushed it off like I always do.  I keep telling myself that the man I fell in love with is very happy and that’s just how he shows it.

I’m deathly scared but I’m trying to follow my heart right now. I fear that it might take me to places I shouldn’t be.  Places that are terrifying as they are exhilarating and as dangerous as they are alluring. I’m scared that my heart will not take me to a place that leads to a happy ending. And that’s not even the hard part; the hard part is when I follow my heart that I leave normal. That I went into the unknown and I can never go back.

If I will really have to be honest with myself I will say that I want somebody to come up to me and kiss me passionately and tell me that he’s in love with me and make me feel it. I don’t just want it though. I need it. I’m desperate for it. Sigh. How I wish that it would just be easier and that it could be him.  But life doesn’t work like that. Unfortunately.

I’m so upset at myself right now for feeling this way.  I’m so upset that I feel like I shouldn’t be asking for more.  That I should be lucky that I have someone.  Someone I can openly talk to. But goddammit! I just want us to stop communicating through words. I want him to feel me.  Sense my loneliness…my unhappiness.  I shouldn’t be explaining myself to him.  I shouldn’t be asking him how he feels. It shouldn’t be that way.  Sometimes, he doesn’t have the vaguest notion of how I truly feel.  Yes, I talk a lot but only few people truly understands me.  Because its only those few people in my life knows the deepest of me.  I tend to over share my thoughts and ideas but not my emotions.  They run deeper contrary to my actions. Now, I feel bad…bad because we’re not there together.  I feel sad because no matter how much he tries he can’t.  He’s still trying but I can also sense that he somehow gave up.  Either that or I’m just fooling myself that he at least tries.  I’m not sure.

Sometimes I wonder how many people never get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to have. What was I supposed to have? Did I really ask for this?

I fear that one day my saddened blue heart will one day tell him “It’s not that we aren’t meant to be together, I think that we’re just not ready for forever.”

A new beginning and a new ending

Today was my last day at work. I’m letting go of everything that’s familiar and constant in my life. For the past 5 years, all I’ve done is work and school. I finally get to focus in one thing at a time. I’ve always focused at work, this time it’s going to be school. I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m wary. I’m exhilirated. But I know if I don’t do this right now, I might not be given the same opportunity later. One of my good friends gave me a piece of advice that he was once imparted with, he told me that I will not succeed if it wasn’t for the uncomfortable situations in my life and because of this constrained situations I will have to rise above it all. Very true, it’s not that I’m looking for uneasy life, it’s just that whenever encountered it will give me a different perspective of what or who I want to be. I am no longer defined by my circumstances but of my decisions. 

Working all this time made me grateful for what I have accomplished so far. I have been working full time during the day and have been taking classes at night. I’m very appreciative for all the experiences I’ve had. If not because of my job at Jules Stein (UCLA), I would have not found my passion in working in the healthcare field. Working at Jules Stein also provided me the opportunity in leadership. I had to make certain decisions to make sure that the office and the clinic run efficiently. But being a good leader is nothing without teamwork. I learned that being a team player is crucial in carrying out our goals. To be honest, teamwork is something I learned back in my UST soccer days, I found out that the name in front our jersey is more important than the name on the back. To win a game it is for the best if we let go of our differences and be united. 

I once read, “education is no longer what one receives as a result of participating in American life. High quality education is what one must have if one is to participate in any meaningful way. Therefore, education has ceased being merely a part of the American dream: education is the dream.”  This is what my parents have ingrained in me; the value of education. It doesn’t matter where I am or where I came from, education is the key to knowledge. As I go from here, I will be embarking on a new journey. I will be attending the University of California, Santa Barbara and wil be studying Communication with Organization emphasis  and hopes to get admitted for a double major for Business Economics. With this, I hope to later continue a career in Administrative Healthcare and to pursue a master’s degree in Public Health and Business Administration. This is a new beginning..a good beginning.

Mundane Things

I’m really tired. I’m tired of the repetitive work that I get to do. I’m tired of waiting for the admission results from all the universities I’ve applied for here in California. I’m tired of fixing somebody else’s boo boo. I’m tired of playing catch up with my school work and my work. I’m tired of the people here at work, this is what it feels like to be in high school. I’m tired of being tired!

High school is tough, especially for us girls. Even if we try not to conform, in some way or another we still do.  Our parents doesn’t help at all. They want to, most of the time, but when they do they ended up not understanding anyways, it’s like as if they never passed by this stage.  Anyways, high school girls can be mean and catty. Talk about stabbing each other in the back to make sure  one still has a high position in the social totem pole. This is like the politics at my work. People have to be careful around each other. It’s so pathetic sometimes. Grow up! That’s what i want to scream at them most of the time. Although when I speak to them, they sound more mature, maybe because its those big words they try to use, masking the immaturity of their actions. Sometimes I find it funny, but mostly irritating. I work in a service industry, an outpatient clinic for people with eye problems in one of the most famous eye institutes in the nation (we deal with retina mostly). But for a work that has a lot of responsibility, you’d think you’ll find capable and smart people, but you’re wrong. I’m wrong. I really want to get out of this place. Get that degree and move up a little higher in the working world so I don’t get affected of this stupid things as much. I could be wrong but at least I won’t be stuck here. Some people here have been here for more than 15 yrs, the same job, same work for all those years. I can’t. I need change. I need to be able to make change. I have so much ideas that its so frustrating sharing it with stupid people. It’s useless here in this level. Hopefully, I can change my path sooner than I expected. there are still good people here as well. Like my boss, the doctor, she gives me independence and trust. She’s open to my ideas when most people are not. I hope there’s more people like her in this world.

Staying In-Love ;)

Falling in-love just happens. What happens next is up to you. It could last you a minute, a night, a month, a lifetime. Your choice.

Strange that I expected to feel something different after the wedding. It was merely a ceremony afterall. If I hadn’t known what kind of person my husband was, I surely would have been in for a huge surprise. To be honest I secretly hoped our relationship would improve soon after since the ceremony was very important to him. But it did not. The ceremony merely seemed to seal my fate, seeing as we don’t have divorce in this country. But I have no regrets. (just yet..)

There is a certain degree of co-dependence between couples who live together. (married or not) For me the strangest would be the need to sleep next to him. There is just something very comforting about sleeping next to your partner.  I don’t know what it is really. Could be the pheromones, perhaps the shared warmth..but it most probably would be because of the back-scratching I get from him. Most couples eventually develop a sleeping habit together. One of my married friends told me that they have to have their legs touching side by side in order for both of them to fall asleep. (now isn’t that nice?)

Most of the time I feel that things weren’t real until I shared them with my husband. For some reason, telling him what happened validates the event.  But it doesn’t really. That’s just the way I see things. I think a lot of women feel this way too. But I am not too sure. I could be among the weird ones..

I wish I could be as optimistic as bylariza when it comes to being in-love. But I am convinced that I won’t always be in-love with my husband. I could attempt to stay in-love, but I could only do so much. I am a firm believer though that marriages or any partnership for that matter work for a really really long time by making good choices. It is not enough that I am in-love with him. I must make a conscious choice to love him inspite of all the wrong he has done me, and all the difficult things he will put me through. I could stay positive, and see the good in him. Hopefully that will help me stay in-love with him for a long long time. (i’m hoping for ten years at least..) And if one morning I wake up and see that the face I used to like so much cannot make me smile, I hope I could let it slide and try my best to love the man I used to be so in-love with.

Life is not easy..but we could complain.

It is a given. Life is not easy. But we could always complain. That’s what friends are there for right?

While it is true that nothing is ever certain, (which makes life so difficult, really) we can always strive to work hard for our goals. We always have the option of giving our best in everything we do. After that we can only hope that things would fall into place.  But we really must remember to do our best first. That way when we look back, we won’t have any regrets.

There is so much that anyone can do with his life. But to be everywhere is to be nowhere. It is important to make a choice and commit to it wholeheartedly. There is no other way to achieve wholeness. The question would then be, how do we make that choice?

First, it must be done with complete honesty. It is impossible for a heart to not know what it wants. What troubles the heart are things that concern the mind. Finances, other possibilities and fear. Second important thing is clarity.  When we accept the truest desires of our heart, the mind becomes clear. The first step can be taken then.

It sounds awfully easy. Why then is my life miserable right now? I have made a choice and have worked hard for it and yet I have not achieved all that I would have liked to.

I am caught between the fates. There are things that we will not be able to control. This is where faith comes in. A blind belief that the chance was not taken away from you permanently. A blind belief that another moment will give you the opportunity to grab that which you want the most. Nothing to do but wait.

When life tosses you around and you find it hard to stay afloat, friends should be handy. A phone call, an email..complaints all around. Complaining about a problem to a friend doesn’t fix the problem. But it makes you feel less lonely. Really. It helps to know that someone knows about your plight. (be it big or small..)

Falling inlove

How do you know that the person you’re with is “The One”? I think this is a timeless question that has been asked too many times. I’ve seen and met people who completely adore each other yet when they get separated, its almost like the bond was cut. I’m inlove with my husband. The question is, for how long? Do people get tired of their husband/wife after sometime. As you may have guessed, I’m newly married. Recently, a lot of people kept asking me how does it feel like to be married. Honestly, I don’t know what to respond to their inquiries. What do you really say when asked with that question? I feel like I won’t survive without him. Is it because I got used to him being around? I don’t think so. I know I can survive without him, but I chose not to. I realized how much I love him when he had an accident in the swimming pool, bumping his head to the edge that started him bleeding. I was really worried!!! I didn’t know what to do, I just wanted the bleeding to stop. For a moment there, all I thought was I love him too much to have anything happened to him. Do I have to tell people that? Every morning I wake up, I feel really blessed seeing him in bed with me. He lights me up. He makes me smile in the morning, as if I wanted to freeze time and just have that moment linger just a tad bit more. I want to experience everything with him. I want him to be part of all the stories in my life. This is more than just being married. More than being inlove. This is me finding my life, finding the reason to live and go on, knowing that no matter how hard life is, its always better with him around. That I know the reason why he’s “The One” for me. The answer to all the questions of how do I feel being married to him. The same reason as to why I will love him forever.

Life is not easy

I’ve read somewhere that nobody is great without work. It’s nice to believe that if you find the field where you’re naturally gifted, you’ll be great from day one, but it doesn’t happen. There’s no evidence of high-level performance without experience or practice.   I’m thinking of going to Medical School. This is no easy decision for me. My life will be revolving around this. I want to ask myself over and over again if this what I really want. I wanted to be reassured that I will be okay. But truth be told, there is no such thing as assurance in life. We just all go forward and hope for the best. I would like to think that if I exert effort in this, I might just be able to succeed.

Then, here’s my other issue. I’m a woman. I just got married. The inevitable will happen..my inclination to have a family. When is the right time to start having kids? Before med school? after med school but before residency? I just spoke to a friend and she advised me to have the baby now. She actually made a good point. She told me that if I have the baby now, it’ll be better because by the time I’m in med school, my baby is old enough for daycare. 

Then, there’s the issue of funds.  Med school is very expensive. I’ll probably be in debt for hundred of thousands of dollars. Then having a baby will add up to that cost. I know my husband will likely have  godd stable job by the time I’m halfway done in med school. What’s nice is i have a husband who will support me. But here’s the downside, he didn’t want to talk to me abou all this. He talks to me about school and our plans. But I feel and I know that he’s avoiding the conversation about having a baby. I’m sure he’s scared. Me too. But I need him now more than ever to talk to me..to open up to me.  To move ahead with plans.  This is going to be some tough path…hopefully, I get out in the end happy.